To be or not to be. Married

“I think this world is made for couples”, said Alice, as we were sipping our drinks at a swank bar. And I wondered if her wonderland might actually be a good lens to look through at our reality.

For some time now I have been questioning the basis of marriage - should I chose marriage because its time and because Im scared of growing old alone and because I have no one to take care of me right now or should my choice for marriage be the ultimate commitment I make to the one I love, for which, falling in love is the first step.

If I had a boyfriend I wouldn’t have been so skeptical - I have always been a believer of ‘Love happens’ and we can blame movies till kingdoms come home for that but now the damage has been done. In my books, if Love has to happen and marriage is a commitment of that love, as indeed having kids is a commitment of that commitment, it becomes a matter of the heart. My problem is with this new age power that has been bestowed upon me called Shaadi.com which has converted the matter of heart into a matter of the head. It scares me. To make love happen through a laundry list of profiles and going through the pain of talking/ chatting/ meeting a million minions till one day the highway man comes riding riding riding or better still, you run out of patience and time.

I cannot for the life of me get around to choosing a husband online – now with these trendy apps, my future husband lies in my finger moving right instead of left and that decision of the finger is left to how he looks in pictures and a few words he’s managed to blurt out about himself which will always anyway be corny.

My parents are worried about me – as a single 35 year old baniya girl, my time is running out. Soon I wont look young anymore, my biological clock will stop ticking, men will only grow more bald and more bellies and what seems a compromise today will be an even bigger compromise tomorrow. True. All true. And truth be told, I am worried too. Especially because the pool of single eligible men is shrinking faster than the intellect of our politicians today.

And yet the thought of getting into a wrong marriage is intimidating to levels I cannot express.

A very dear friend who has been separated from his wife and also subsequent girlfriend and  who now lives by himself tells me that he is the happiest most in his life right now. He says he has found himself.

Another friend happens to bump into me in a fairly inebriated state and says to me “Never get married, trust me its best this way”. It’s a different matter that his Facebook pictures imply he is leading a great life traveling the world with his beautiful wife.

Yet another friend recently talked to me about a few common married friends who are all unhappy in their respective marriages. Trapped is what he called their state.

When I listen to these stories or look at the world around me where rate of divorce has matched the rate of marriages, where infidelity is a common occurrence, where distractions are galore and where people are always on a treadmill, so much so that not having sex inside a marriage is an accepted state of happily married, I really wonder what all the fuss is about.

For whatever its worth, today I have a sense of peace with myself for being single – I go to work, I come back, watch my choice of TV, listen to my choice of music, have the cook make my choice of food, sleep when I want to, wear what I like, go out wherever I want  – you get the drift.

This completely selfish, not having to take responsibility view of my life has been giving me a bizarre sense of freedom. And I must confess I like it.

I wonder what it would be like to have someone in your space all the time and your life revolving around that someone special. Waking up to the same person every single day and having discussions around bank balances, grocery shopping and relatives. What would it be like to know that you can never look at another man or lie in bed all day on a lazy Sunday because the work week had been so hectic. What would it be like to feel guilty for wanting your own space at times or define your sense of worth through the eyes of your better half (?).  What would it be like to make career choices based on the circumstances of your partner and to constantly have your mind occupied with duties towards the mother in law, second cousin, father in law, bawling nephews, distant uncles, grannnys, brother, brother’s wife….. phew, exhausting. Like your own set of family wasn’t enough to occupy a lot of your time and mind space.

I really don’t understand why marriage is such an alluring concept to the world at large. The longest commitment I have been able to keep in my life yet is towards my job which has lasted me not more than 3 and a half years in any one specific role. A lifetime commitment with all the humdrums of regular life do not sound exciting or inviting.

And yet, if I were to meet someone and fall in love with him, none of the above would matter. I would gladly do all of the above and more. I think.